Burn This After Reading

[guywithmonsters]

The Man burns tonight in Black Rock City. I can't pretend to be able to explain how I feel about not being there. I've been feeling lonely and this makes me more so. I feel homesick for the Playa in a way I would have mocked if someone expressed it in front of me a few years ago. It was the magic of Burning Man that got me through last year. No matter how dark things got I had that condensed week of joy and belonging, love, acceptance and art to go back to. Like a Talisman.

I am so tired and run down by this life. The recharge of that place and those people are out of my reach this year. There are fantastic reasons why I am not going - I am buying a house - a home for myself. I went to Belize and climbed the Mayan Temples while monkeys tried to steal my hat. Intellectually, I know these things but there is still this sad longing to be out there in the dust.

I am myself there in a way I rarely am anywhere else. I feel connected to people and open to them like I don't anywhere else. My hope is that this little cottage in the beach side town will be another place like that for me. Someplace I am simply myself. Someplace where the answer is never "No", but may be "I do not want to". Someplace where I can open myself up again and let some light in.

I am fortunate enough to have found a place that surprises me and gives little gifts of wonder. I am grateful for that but I still long for the flat open Playa and the endless possibilities there.

Comments

[njbearcub1.livejournal.com]

While the time frame of Burning Man is temporary (only 1 week out of the year), the added side benefits of the anticipation leading up to it, and the bounceback endorphins, and whatever else you bring back with you, reverberate.

The house, while it will bring some frustrations, and desire to get things 'done' and to the point you want them to be, will provide a neverending source of accomplishment, and happiness. You'll always have a refuge. A place where you can be "you". A place that no matter what your family says, you'll always be able to say, "Eff you. This is mine."

But, yeah. Having said that, I would love for you to be able to get away for a few days before the closing, so you can be refreshed and not think about the house or work for a bit.

And, while lamenting not being able to go this year, look forward to the next time you'll be able to go. And you know that you will.