Who is That Girl in the Mirror There?
Apr. 20th, 2004 12:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
guywithmonstersI just caught a glance of my face reflected in a glass door. It didn't look like me. I've noticed the changes in my body as I've lost weight, but my face didn't register I guess. My face is thinner, not as round in appearance as it was before. I think I look less like a little kid - or is it that I suddenly seem to have a jaw line?
My self image/identity doesn't really correlate with my outward appearance. When I think of myself, I still have blue/purple hair and am chubby. Not as big as I got, but not as thin as I am. I wonder if that will ever change.
That is not to say that I don't see myself in a mirror as I am now, just when I picture myself in my head. Someone once told me that a fat kid will always feel like a fat kid. I think that's true, but I hope that I see my body clearly enough to stop being so self conscious about it. I'm working hard to get in shape and I don't want to waste it by not allowing myself to do things because I'm embarrassed by my old conceptions of my old body.
I was always chubby. It made me lethargic and uncomfortable. I always felt different and being a big kid made me feel really obvious and different. The word "Husky" always made me think it was a polite way of saying "looser".
My siblings are thin and two of them are really into their appearance. They would give me a hard time about being fat. I was self conscious of my body - of taking my shirt off at the pool. Add in getting hairy early (it started at 11) and it's a sure recipe for a bad self image.
Then I ran into the Bear Scene. Suddenly, my body wasn't such a terrible thing. People found me attractive - it was overwhelming. At first, it was really affirming, but then it gave way to something a bit darker. I was one of those guys who had sex pretty indeterminately because being wanted made me feel worthwhile. I got over that (thanks be), but I remember what it was like. I try to be empathetic for people still in that space. It's really a terrible place to be.
Eventually, I worked through feeling like my body and attractiveness summed up who I was and my value. I resolved myself to finding people who liked me for who I was and not my looks (pro/con). I was fortunate enough to do that. I still had a lot of sex (some would same indeterminately) but it was because I wanted to - because I enjoyed sex. I didn't feel bad afterwords (usually just hungry ;-)). To the outside world it probably didn't seem much different, but to me it was a whole new world.
Now, I'm loosing weight because I want to feel good. I like having energy and not feeling winded by climbing the stairs. I like being able to shop anywhere - to be able to wear what I want. I love that Mr Bear loves me for me, that he would love me if I still weighed 248, or if I weighed 110. i know how lucky I am to have someone like that.
This is a positive step for me and I'm doing it for healthy reasons. It makes a big difference and I am glad for it.
OK, enough psychobabble.
I would like to add "Water Chestnuts" to the list of "Things I Am Grateful For" today.
My self image/identity doesn't really correlate with my outward appearance. When I think of myself, I still have blue/purple hair and am chubby. Not as big as I got, but not as thin as I am. I wonder if that will ever change.
That is not to say that I don't see myself in a mirror as I am now, just when I picture myself in my head. Someone once told me that a fat kid will always feel like a fat kid. I think that's true, but I hope that I see my body clearly enough to stop being so self conscious about it. I'm working hard to get in shape and I don't want to waste it by not allowing myself to do things because I'm embarrassed by my old conceptions of my old body.
I was always chubby. It made me lethargic and uncomfortable. I always felt different and being a big kid made me feel really obvious and different. The word "Husky" always made me think it was a polite way of saying "looser".
My siblings are thin and two of them are really into their appearance. They would give me a hard time about being fat. I was self conscious of my body - of taking my shirt off at the pool. Add in getting hairy early (it started at 11) and it's a sure recipe for a bad self image.
Then I ran into the Bear Scene. Suddenly, my body wasn't such a terrible thing. People found me attractive - it was overwhelming. At first, it was really affirming, but then it gave way to something a bit darker. I was one of those guys who had sex pretty indeterminately because being wanted made me feel worthwhile. I got over that (thanks be), but I remember what it was like. I try to be empathetic for people still in that space. It's really a terrible place to be.
Eventually, I worked through feeling like my body and attractiveness summed up who I was and my value. I resolved myself to finding people who liked me for who I was and not my looks (pro/con). I was fortunate enough to do that. I still had a lot of sex (some would same indeterminately) but it was because I wanted to - because I enjoyed sex. I didn't feel bad afterwords (usually just hungry ;-)). To the outside world it probably didn't seem much different, but to me it was a whole new world.
Now, I'm loosing weight because I want to feel good. I like having energy and not feeling winded by climbing the stairs. I like being able to shop anywhere - to be able to wear what I want. I love that Mr Bear loves me for me, that he would love me if I still weighed 248, or if I weighed 110. i know how lucky I am to have someone like that.
This is a positive step for me and I'm doing it for healthy reasons. It makes a big difference and I am glad for it.
OK, enough psychobabble.
I would like to add "Water Chestnuts" to the list of "Things I Am Grateful For" today.
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thanks so much for sharing this ...
Date: 2004-04-20 12:03 pm (UTC)When i see myself in a mirror i see myself as the guy i was in my mid-20s when i was about 40 pounds lighter. But then i'll see a photo of myself and just cringe. Who is that fat guy in the picture?
Similarly it's taken me a few years to get comfortable with the extra weight and finding my way into the bear community has done wonders for my self-esteem.
Interestingly, for almost seven years since i've been gaining i've been unable to lose more than 15 lbs at most and then i gained it all back. My self-image was so terrible.
Only now... when i have begun to like myself again do i feel that i'm back on a successful track towards losing weight and shaping up.
i think learning to love yourself and live in your own skin as you are today goes a long way towards being able to better yourself.
i've lost 10 pounds in the past month or so and have 40 more to go.
i know it's not gonna happen overnight, but at least i can see myself finally making the right changes and following the right path.
i'm proud of you!
The new you in the mirror will just take some getting used to.
What's important is how much better you feel overall.
Re: thanks so much for sharing this ...
Date: 2004-04-20 12:31 pm (UTC)Congratulations on the 10 lbs! I think it is easier to get in shape when you've made your peace with your body as it is. You are bettering yourself, and not punishing yourself with exercise and diet.